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Lake Regulations/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] harold: And now, here's a man who cuts his own wood, changes his own oil, makes his own cheese, and all at the same time -- my uncle, your host, mr. Red green! Whoo! Whoo! Thank you very much. That's the kind of intro you just dream up, especially if you eat a lot of garlic. It's my way of delivering the unexpected. [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a! Delivering the unexpected, harold? You'd have a hard time topping your mother's obstetrician. It's been kind of a bad week up at possum lodge this week. Started out Monday morning with the breakfast challenge. Oh, now, the breakfast challenge. That's where all you guys all jump up from the breakfast table, jump in your boats, and roar around the lake for like 10 minutes. Yeah, yeah, the breakfast challenge is that the last guy to run out of gas in his boat has to do all the breakfast dishes. Got their engines wide open. They're zooming around there. Oh, it was terrible. 7:00 in the morning, all that noise roaring. [ chuckles ] that's pleasant, isn't it? Well, nobody really minds. There's nobody out there. Maybe a few fishermen. They don't mind at all. In fact, I think fish are easier to catch when they're stampeding. Unfortunately, this Monday we met up with a bunch of yuppies out on a canoe trip. I hope "met up" doesn't mean "smashed into." 'cause, you know, most yuppies are lawyers. Well, they're sure not swimmers, I can tell you that. Took us over an hour to get the water out of the fat guy. And if anybody should be suing anybody, we should be suing them. I mean, the cedar-strip canoes aren't too bad 'cause they kind of splinter up when you ram them. You should see the damage that an aluminum canoe can do to a -- to a prop... Especially when you're doing full tilt in her there. I'm not saying I'm a psychic or anything here, uncle red. I'm just gonna say what I think, and I think that very shortly someone is going to be handing you a legal document that's going to be changing the quality of your life. Well, you're wrong, harold. It's already happened. Aha! This is a legal petition that stinky peterson started, and, uh, we're all gonna sign it and get all those wusses and their canoes off the lake. I-I don't think you should make judgments like that, uncle red. It's not a judgment, harold. Just a statement of fact. Well, you did call them wusses. Yeah, well, that's what they are, harold. A wuss is anybody who diddles around in a canoe and then whines when they're t-boned by a lodge member. That is your opinion. Fine. And that's what makes it a judgment, and that's my opinion. It's not a judgment, harold. I don't judge people. And anybody who says I do is a cross-eyed, pencil-necked, rubber-headed geek. ♪ when hunting season's over, nobody's on a bender ♪ ♪ we're too busy with ropes and duct tape ♪ ♪ tying carcasses to fenders ♪ ♪ a bowline or a clove hitch ♪ ♪ it's easy to get it wrong ♪ ♪ like one time a guy tied a moose to his front wheel ♪ ♪ looked pretty funny spinning away out there ♪ ♪ but it was safe until he tried to pass a cyclist ♪ red: This week on, uh, "handyman corner," we're gonna show you how to turn an old canoe into something that will not only get your neighbors talking, it may eventually lead to a "for sale" sign on their front lawn. Now, I'm sure a bunch of you have heard the joke about what's the difference between a canoe and a lodge member. A canoe tips. [ chuckles ] well, actually, canoes and lodge members have a heck of a lot in common. They both are all full of dents and stuff, and they grunts oh. And, uh...You just... But other than that, there's -- there's quite a difference. But, you know, people would look at an old canoe like this, and they'd just say, "well, that's just a leaky, old boat -- more holes than anything else." and, uh -- but the handyman, he sees this as potential, 'cause you could turn this into something. You could make it a... Well, you could make it a really big dinner bell or, uh -- or a firm hammock. Or you know what else you can make with one of these, is a -- is a porch swing. Yeah, yeah, a porch swing. Okay, uh, step one -- you got to cut one of the sides out -- port or starboard, whichever one has the most dents in it. Right about -- exactly right here. [ grunts ] by golly. Once they get the fungus into the fiberglass there, it can be a real pig to get a blade through, I'll tell you that much. Anyway, uh, once you got the side cut out, uh, what do you do next? Oh, you're done. That's it. You're done, then, and, uh, what you do is you take your bow rope and you take your, uh -- well, the rope from the other end, you know. Actually, maybe that's the bow. And you just tie these up to the beam across your front porch. Remember a few weeks ago we showed you how to make a front porch out of old ice-cream tubs? Well, use a different porch. Now, isn't that a beautiful piece of americana? And we'll just add some life-jacket cushion-type deals here for the seats. It's also a good idea in case the marine police happen to cruise by. And to me, if you're sitting in a unit of this nature, you're gonna want to have your favorite beverage within the vicinity of your right hand, so, uh, I would suggest you stick the cooler right up into the canoe. It'll keep your drinks shaken, not stirred. Uh, all right. Now, the question there is, uh, did that rope break, or did just the knot slip? I think it was just the knot. No, I guess it was the rope. Well, I think I got her knocked now. I went with a heavier rope. I took the drawstring out of the flap on moose thompson's pajamas. That's one of the great things about being up here at the lodge. If something breaks, you just use something else instead. That's the great thing about the lodge. When something breaks, you just use something else instead. Well...Time for me to get back to the swinging '60s. [ creaking ] I'll tell you, we are running out of great things about the lodge. Wa-a-a! It's that part of the show again where we expose those three little words that men find so difficult to say -- "I don't know." and here to prove that point just one more time is my uncle red and his good friends mr. Glen braxton and bob stuyvesant. There's a christmas card. All right. "dear sirs, I drive a van. "it's a great vehicle, except for one major design flaw -- "rear visibility. "even with the extra-large side mirrors and a rearview mirror, "there's a blind spot at the back of my van "that's big enough to hide a saint bernard. "a dog could fall asleep behind the van, "and you'd never see it until you pulled away. "anyway, my question is -- how do you tell a child their pet is dead?" well, I think your -- I think your best route there is just to lie. Just tell them that the dog has run off and joined the circus. He'll be back in a few years. You know, I lost a pet once when I was 9. Yeah. The gardner from our family estate ran a lawn tractor over fifi, my...Miniature french poodle. I loved her. But, you know, my mother and my father, they never said a word. No, they just went right out and purchased another purebred poodle. It looked the same. I just called him fifi. Well, that's living in denial. It is? Yes, it is. That's called living in denial. I didn't know that. Okay, I guess then I would recommend living in denial. Mr. Braxton, how about yourself? You have kids. Well, what normally delores and I do is we bring the girls in and -- when we've lost a pet -- and we sit them down and we tell them that god's come to our house and, uh...Gone to a better place for a greater purpose. Boy, that's real nice, glen. Harold: That's very nice. Yeah, but now the girls hate god, so... ...Can't win. Okay, all righty, uh, well, there you have it -- three experts and three opinions. But, you know, if you want to know my opinion, I'd say just honestly is the best policy. Oh, really, harold? Well, remember that hamster you had? Yeah, did you -- yeah. Ran off to join the circus? Oh, no! Oh! She fell off the high wire? "it is winter. "I press the accelerator to the floor and hold it "as I wait for my spinning tires "to melt their way down to something hard. "then a loud pop. So that's where I left the garden rake." red: Thought I'd take a few minutes and go and see ranger gord, 'cause I worry about him stuck up in that tower. You okay, gord? Sure. You know, sometimes I feel like I'm the -- I'm the luckiest guy on the planet. Oh, that's great. [ voice breaking ] but the only guy -- the only guy in the universe. All right. There's still a world out there, red. People still fall in love and have babies. Huh? Yeah, yeah. Do they still watch tv and play rubik's cube, huh? Yeah. Boy, I miss "battlestar galactica" and "starsky & hutch." [ imitates engine revving ] [ laughs ] yeah. Yeah. Boy, oh, boy. You know, when I get back to civilization, I've got this idea -- it's a patent. Shh! I'm gonna make this machine. It's gonna be able to tape-record tv shows. Oh, yeah, a videocassette recorder. Yeah, like an 8-track can -- can tape music. But this is gonna tape tv shows. Yeah, it's a videocassette recorder. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, a vcr. Can I use that name? Sure. Yeah. Vcr. Yeah. Great. Yeah, exactly. That's way better than what I was gonna call it. What were you gonna call it? Beta. Wow, this canoe versus powerboat thing has turned into an all-out war. I don't want to disappoint you, uncle red, but my conscience will not allow me to sign that petition. That's none of my business, harold. Whatever goes on in your mind is between you and your parapsychologist/pump repairman. And besides, this is not even the petition. This is an official notification from the government that possum lake is being considered as a nonpowerboat lake. Wa-hoo-hoo-hoo! Nonpowerboat? Oh, how -- oh, that's so great. [ chuckles ] imagine possum lake without any smoke and screaming, dirty engines. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Man, that would be excellent. Yeah, yeah, harold, that would be real good, you know? Except for a few minor adjustments like, for example, all of our motors would be useless. We'd have to get rid of 12,000 gallons of premium unleaded. Everybody would quit the lodge, and I'd be out of business. But, hey, once we're over those little speed bumps, I think it would be, as you say, excellent. Uncle red, you did bring this on yourself. I mean, you could have sat down and talked to those canoeists. Harold, we had a meeting with them right out in the middle of the lake. Oh, yeah. Who could even hear anything? Junior's throttle was just screaming there like at 8 zillion rpms. We did have a little linkage jamming problem. I'll admit that. Linkage jamming? How come it only got jammed when they were speaking? It seemed to settle right down when you were spouting off. I don't know why, harold. I'm not a marine mechanic, all right? You were rude and being counterproductive, and now you're being punished for it. Wa-a-a. Boy, harold, that sounds kind of judgmental to me. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. You see, I am not judgmental nor am I temperamental. Well, you're some kind of mental. It's not easy being me. Who else would even try? ♪ oh, honey, I'm very fond of you ♪ ♪ honey, don't you know it's true ♪ ♪ honey on toast or honeydew ♪ ♪ but honey on the toilet seat is tacky ♪ red: Bill told me to come out and find him in his pup tent, so that's what I did. He said "pup tent," but I think he meant pop tart. Anyway, bill got some kind of -- yeah, okay, bill, relax -- got some kind of adventure. He's got a little hang glider in his pants there. Little kid's toy. Oh, oh, oh. I worry about bill sometimes. Idea is he wants to go -- I guess he had a hang glider in his tent. So I look. I don't see anything in there. And he said, "no, no, no. "there's not a hang glider in the tent. "the hang glider is the tent. Just gonna convert this." very strange, but I'm not gonna do it, so I'm all for it. So he piles -- piled her a little high there, bill. Gonna be a little difficult to see just exact-- but it's a nice day for a walk. And, oh, he's gonna come back and get me. Oh, well. He's trying to guide me, and, uh, I'm not sure this was the most brilliant thing we've done all day, but that would be a challenge. Oh! I heard him go down, and I give him one -- we had one of those tent poles, so I just handed that to him. And what I had forgotten at first was that it's kind of a sectional thing. By this point, I thought he was just... So I let go of the last bit. And then hold the hand, drag him up. There we go. Okay. Fine. Now what we got to do is start taking that tent and converting that into a hang glider. And the first thing he does is he gets the backpack section -- it's really just a frame of a backpack. Oh, putting some tape on. Oh, oh. Portions of "the red green show" were taped earlier. Aah! Aahhh! I really felt bad about that. So he, uh, taped the tent poles and reshaped them and then put the canvas overtop and what have you, and you've got yourself -- oh! Oh! Oh! He felt really bad about that. We got kind of -- it's kind of more or less a big kite, and then bill puts the backpack frame on there, puts that on with a seat belt type of rig, and then I'm gonna hook the kite onto the backpack, and you can see it's starting to take shape and, uh, looking pretty good, but it looks kind of dangerous, especially when you're standing anywhere -- ow. Ow. Anyway, away she goes. Bon voyage. Happy flying, bill. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! [ groans ] oh, my gosh. Well, home is anywhere you hang your glider. This is the part of the show where harold gets to talk to the young people of our country. Hopefully, they won't listen. Good evening, and welcome to dr. Harold's teen phone-in sex show, where teenagers can phone in and ask questions and get answers from someone just like themselves. So, if, you know, you're a teenager or whatever or cool or whatever, it doesn't matter. Just phone in and talk to me -- dr. Harold. Wa-a-a. The number here is 222 -- sorry. Ha! The number here is 555-5555. I'll give you a minute to jot that down, and then just call in, and we'll speak openly and frankly about...Sex. [ chuckles ] lines are open, so... You want to phone in, just feel free. It's 555-5555. Please. [ coughs ] [ gags ] phone in. I'm here to talk to. [ telephone rings ] yes, hello! Hi. No, go ahead. Talk to me. Oh, hi, moose. Hey, it's moose thompson. [ chuckles ] oh, no, sorry, sorry. Anonymous. Anonymous. No, go ahead. Just talk to me, 'cause, you know, I'm a professional. Go. No way. [ laughs ] yeah? [ laughing ] no way! No way! Yeah. Yeah? Get out! No, you don't! You sh-- no, that's good. A lot of people do that. That -- well, I do. That's -- yeah, we're like -- that's -- no, that's fine. You'd be surprised. Yeah, well, I don't know. Is it vhs or beta? Depends. Whatever you want to use. I just -- [ chuckles ] well, well, well. Somebody has a problem with s-e-x. [ chuckles ] [ sobbing ] red: The quickest way for me to get to those yuppie canoeists was by water, which, unfortunately, meant I had to use hap's water taxi. But I had some messages that I wanted to deliver to them. Oh, yeah? Some kind of injunction, is it? Unh-unh. No way. Anonymous threats. Now, red, if there's anything I learned in my years on the supreme court, it's that most conflicts can be avoided by a little dose of compromise. Supreme court, hap? Yeah. I was third on the right. That black woman? Yeah. Originally, I was court clerk, but a judge died, so I stepped in. A court clerk, hap? I can't picture you asking anyone to tell the truth, nothing but the truth. There was one very controversial case -- mcenroe vs. Connors. I got both parties to sit down, got them to compromise a wee bit. And, you know, after that, quebec decided to stay part of canada. Oh, yeah? Yeah. And then I was mahatma gandhi's right-hand man. I taught him the art of compromise. Taught him to calm down. Taught him humility. Taught him modesty. Well, those are important lessons, hap. But if you want a real demonstration of the power of compromise, let me tell you about how I got nixon to go quietly. Hap, is there any chance we could go quietly? Well, this, uh, compromise thing seems to be working out pretty well. The canoeists have agreed to allow us to have outboard motors, as long as they're limited to 10 horsepower. That's a pretty small motor. Yeah, but you can get four or five of them across the back. In fact, moose thompson bolted a bunch of park benches to the end of his boat there, and he's got about six of them on each bench, so I believe he has about 30 motors on there. Wa-a-a! That doesn't sound very safe. Oh, it's safer, harold. He can have 29 motors conk out and still make it home. Hey, he's got a lot of power there. Mind you, by the time he pull-starts them all, he's so cramped up, he can't steer. Uncle red, that's cheating. That's violating the spirit of the agreement. Well, harold, that's all the art of negotiating, you know? And they came out okay, too, all right? 'cause we agreed to fix all the canoes and the paddles, and we're gonna buy one of those yuppies a new shirt. I guess the alligator drowned. [ screeching ] oh, meeting time. Yeah. You go ahead, harold. I'll be right down. Okay. So, this is a situation I guess you could say everybody wins. We got our motors back, and we're back in business, and the canoes are gonna be better than new, because they're gonna look great with that shiny silver duct tape all over them. So, if my wife is watching, I learned a lot about judging and compromise tonight, and I'm gonna be coming home straight after the meeting, and I was kind of looking forward to a romantic evening in a compromising position in a nonjudgmental setting. And, everybody else, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, thanks for watching, and keep your stick on the ice. [ indistinct conversations ] [ screeching ] all rise. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. All right, uh, before we get started, old man sedgwick told me that, uh, he has nothing to say.